control issues
How long must I perform? I don't mean masking either, I mean performing. I had a conversation with Lex the other week about the differences between the two, where I stated I set them apart by it's necessity, personally. Usually, I associate masking with the sheer willpower to present oneself as a capable, functioning adult, with the ability to do the bare minimum humans are expected to do. Performing on the other hand, is like going above and beyond what's expected of you; you're not just good, you're great.
"How are you always so put together?" is a question I get asked pretty regularly. A number of people would ask how I manage do things with little to no effort, which I find strange, because I always felt like it was a lot of effort. I think everyone has felt that awkward, insecure phase in school where you're acutely aware of what exactly you are and aren't. I never felt like "pretty", "smart", or "talented" were appropriate adjectives to describe myself when I was young, regardless of what other people might've thought. Since I felt differently from what they claimed they saw in me, I figured I should make up for my lacking by either playing into my strengths or working behind the scenes to keep up with everyone else.
I'm unsure if other people think about themselves in third person this much, because I don't think it's good for me. It's everything from the way I cross my ankles, the order in which my belongings are sagaciously strewn about on the table, the speed at which I blink sometimes. I feel like I can't fully relax at times because my mind is preoccupied with how I'm being perceived. Everything is calculated, practiced, timed, and something I could defend or explain after speedily drafting my arguments multiple times in my head. Like, girl who are you fighting??? Doing this for years leads me to forget just how daunting it is to do all the time, I often can't distinguish between performance and authenticity.
When I started my undergrad in Psych, I had this pretty unhealthy thinking that majority of people would be able to fall for your presentation of self if you use psychology to your advantage. I figured I could somehow twist how people saw me with little Gen Psych learnings like Foot-in-The-Door Technique, The Cheerleader Effect, Halo Effect, etc. then I'd be able to control the narrative at all times. However, I'd also have conflicting feelings of disappointment that people "fell for it". I kept treating it like a life-long experiment to see how far I could convince people of this cool, intelligent, strong personality I personally didn't think existed within me. In retrospect, I think I just wanted to vet who could see right through me (Taylor Swifts 'The Archer' plays in the background).

I kept thinking maybe if I keep up this act through methodological planning, heavy research, practice with no one to watch me struggle, people would be impressed and like me. It's only later on in my adulthood that I realized this obsession of having complete control over how I present myself to others was keeping me in this never-ending toxic shame cycle I almost enjoy. So when people ask me how I'm always put together, I don't know where to start because I think the self-destructive cocktail would be:
- be very ashamed of who you are
- pick yourself apart and replace as needed ala Best Daddy Ever Thanos with Nebula
- depend on external validation so much it twists your acceptance of self
- kpop idol beauty secrets (ok this is actually p helpful but to be consumed with caution)
This of course made it no surprise when three different psychologists agreed that yeah, yk, maybe you do have OCPD (except I was too busy to get the tests done, sorry, doc). I joked with my therapist once that "I thought being uptight and an effiency crazed bitch was me being a Capricorn" to which she replied "Who says that didn't contribute to it?" which made me laugh. I find it funny that I think the feeling I got being the weird, uncool, awkward teenage girl will always just be there screaming: love me! accept me! think i'm cool! then and only then can I truly achieve greatness! If the academy doesn't acknowledge my insane 28 year acting run, I'd throw a fit.